Relationships are mysterious.  Each one reflects the complexity of our humanity and the vast nature of our soul. In his book “Soul Mates” Thomas Moore says that our soul has its own reasons for entering relationships and that often we are not aware of this purpose when we enter them.

Viewing relationships from the perspective of soul allows you to open to the Divine mystery inherent in your connections in life and listen for the opportunities these relationships provide. Sometimes you meet someone and feel certain they have come into your life for a reason, while other times your connections may make no sense at all.  You wonder why you have certain friends, ended up in your family, or landed in a particular community. 

Is it possible that your soul chose these relationships on purpose for the lessons they provide?  If you look at relationships on the surface level it is tempting to evaluate them based on how easy or difficult they are and designate them as good or bad accordingly.  If they unfold as you want them to with relative ease they are judged as good and if they present challenges, heartache and end poorly or drag on for eternity you deem them as bad.

Your soul however does not view relationships from this perspective.  The soul is not concerned with life being easy - the soul’s interest lies in experience.  How long a particular connection is sustained or bumpy the journey through partnership may be, is less important to your soul than how you embrace the experience your relationships provide and allow your heart and mind to be shaped by them. 

Your connections with others will draw you out of your self and invite you in unexpected ways to enter life more fully.  Sometimes through grief, sometimes through joy, relationships knock on the door of your heart and ask you to open up.  They stir passions, awaken desires, reveal strengths, highlight limitations and continually urge you to explore the unknown depths within. 

Sometimes the invitation in relationship is a push from your soul to be known.  Those connections in life that challenge you very often provide experiences for illuminating your deepest values and beliefs.  Backed into a corner you may respond assertively and through this action understand yourself more fully than you had before. 

When you have been trespassed against you know instantly what your boundaries are.  How you respond to this knowledge depends on many factors – how skillfully you enter conflict, what sense you have of your self worth, and what the circumstances you are in will allow.  But whatever your response may be, the conflict of boundaries offers you an opportunity to see yourself more clearly and invites you to be known.

Being seen in the world, allowing others to know who you are, requires vulnerability.  It takes a strong sense of self worth to open yourself to the possibility of love and the potential pain of rejection.

Those of us who were denied deposits of love and appreciation while growing up, or had our self worth stripped away in destructive relationships, tend to guard ourselves defensively against the possibility of future injury.  Life is lived behind a castle of self protection guarded by deep motes, thorny bramble, and expertly trained snipers stationed at the ready upon our castle walls.  Only the bravest of the brave would dare attempt to find a way in - leaving us “safe” from attack and deeply lonely longing for human connection and support.

It only takes one terrible experience of someone trying to rob your goodness to make the decision to live your life hidden from future harm.  After such an experience, it is natural to want to fiercely protect yourself from injury (this is a sign after all of self worth).  Unfortunately the castle approach is one of over-protection and will keep you from connecting with other loving souls, and deny you the rich blessings these relationships offer.

Many self help strategies focus on perfecting the castle of self defense, teaching you how to keep those who would hurt you out of your life.  This of course is good; the only problem is they often don’t tell you how to open the castle gate for those worthy of entrance when you want to let them in. 

Self love and discernment - an ability to stand in your own value and clearly identify those who are capable of loving you and celebrating the gifts you have to offer the world, are the keys needed to unlock the castle door and make room for the love you long for and deserve.

The “Guidelines of Soulful Communication” and the Circles of Intimacy Diagram are ideal tools for cultivating loving, supportive relationships in life.  They provide a process for establishing a safe harbor in your interactions with others which allows space for differences and offers guidelines for skillfully navigating conflict with an open heart. 

You begin with understanding your own perspective - clarifying what you think and feel, want and need, and then turn your attention to focus on the thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs of others.  By holding the attitude that you or others are not wrong for whatever you may think, feel, want or need, you are able to safely explore each view point and find solutions that attend to your deepest needs.

Deep within each of us is a desire to be seen and understood – valued for who we are and appreciated for the gifts we bring; utilizing soulful communication and the circles of intimacy paves the way for this experience and provides the tools for connecting with the soul’s of all those we are in relationship with.

 

© 2010 Heidi & Jim Noh-Kuhn, Dare to Dream Visioning

Tags: Circles of Intimacy, Relationships, Soulful Communication